What's in a Name

I believe that names have power. Not necessarily that a person can be controlled through the use of their name, although some people believe that, but more that a person can be known through their name. The interplay between a person and their name is interesting. Our names can shape and define us, but at the same time we give meaning to the words that make up our name. One of the things that proves to me the importance of names is our adult reaction to learning that someone has given their child an obscure or different name. "Think of the teasing she'll get on the playground!" we decry. Now if there is one thing I know, it is that children will make fun of and tease their classmates over anything they think will cause a reaction. Are Jennifers really teased less than Apples? Probably not. But making fun of someone's name is somehow more traumatic. It cuts deeper; it questions our very identity. [It occurs to me that some of this name identity may be tied to our language. In every language I have studied other than English, one gives their name by saying they are called their name; In English we are our names. An interesting thought, but since I don't subscribe to the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, I doubt it will prove to be unique to English.]

What I'm really trying to say is that names are important, and as such should be used with care. Unfortunately, not everyone uses other people's names with the care they should. It seems as if someone, somewhere has proposed the idea that if you use someone's name they will like you better, trust you more, or feel a connection to you in some way. This is most likely true, since it seems pretty intuitive that we would feel closer to those who know our names, than those who don't, or can't be bothered to remember them. I can see this being one of those psychological studies that seem to say something interesting, but when you look closer, you find it wasn't telling you what you thought after all (this is a common topic of discussion in my household - yes, my husband and I are dorks). But, while we may feel an affinity to those who know and use our name, there are rules for name usage that need to be followed. Deviation from the rules makes the person whose name has been used improperly uncomfortable, and instead of fostering good will, fosters suspicion. Here are some helpful guidelines for using someone's name based on my own observations.

Get it right. This is the golden rule for name usage. If you're going to use my name, make sure you've gotten it right. Don't call me by my sister's name or my coworker's name, or some random name you made up. If you're not sure, you're better off not using my name at all. I think I'm fair when it comes to pronunciation of my name: I allow for some variation. Depending on your dialect you may say the vowels in my name slightly different. My last name is long, but spelled phonetically. I accept two possible phonetic parsings of my name, but have no patience for people who say the first syllable and give up just because it's a long name. Sound it out like you learned to do in school (or maybe didn't - if you were taught the whole word method of reading, you're probably going to mispronounce my name and I'm not going to like you. Sorry.) If you do mispronounce my name, or call me by the wrong name, I will correct you. My name is important. If you've been under the impression that I'm my sister or someone else, you need to be corrected. I try to be polite about it, but I am firm, too.

Use it properly. It probably won't surprise you to learn that pretty much everything about language is rule governed. Appropriate name usage is no exception. There are limited number conditions where using someone's name is expected and/or accepted. Some general guidelines:

1) Names may be used at the beginning or end of conversations. For example, "Hi, John." or "Talk to you later, Melissa."

2) Names may be used to attract someone's attention. For example, "Jessica! Over here!"

3) Names may be used when in a group to single someone out to get their particular views on something. "What do you think about our plan, Brian?"

4) Obviously names may be used when you are talking about someone, even if they are part of your conversation group.

5) A name can be used when expressing a strong emotion directed at the individual, but this usage should be kept to a minimum. "Mary, what were you thinking?!"

There may be a couple more scenarios where a name could be used, but I think this list is pretty exhaustive. Usage outside of these conditions immediately puts a person on guard. When you say to me, "Let me tell you, Amanda, what a great time we had in Florida." I immediately worry that you're about to sell me a time share. Using my name there is inappropriate. It's wrong. And I think that if you've used it there, it's because you read somewhere that using my name more often would make me like you. Which is wrong. I now don't like you because you used my name in the wrong way.

As the saying goes, "That's my name; don't wear it out."