Not a Recluse

No one ever believes me when I tell them this, but I am an introvert. I think they don’t believe me because the word introvert has come to be associated with shy, retiring people, who are reticent to share their thoughts and opinions with others. I am not like that. But by the Myers-Briggs definition, being introverted simply means that a person recharges by being alone, as opposed to an extrovert, who recharges by being with other people. This is the positive way of expressing the difference, but if you turn it around, you’ll realize that introverts are drained by being in groups, while extroverts are drained by being alone. While I like people and enjoy getting together with them, I do find that after a long period with others I need time by myself to recover.


Since I’ve been unemployed I’ve been feeling that my introversion levels have gone up. People talk about getting lonely or stir crazy by being in the house alone all day, but I haven’t felt that at all. In fact, I enjoy my days alone. I feel my house and life are in much better order than when I worked, and I have been able to accomplish a number of personal projects that seemed to be perpetually on hold because I never had the time for them. While I recognize that networking and meeting people is an essential part of both obtaining a new position and staying in touch with the developments in my field, I find myself increasingly loath to leave the house, and the networking events I’ve attended have really taken their toll on my energy levels. Over the past few months I’ve been increasingly concerned that I was turning into a recluse or agoraphobic or some other antisocial person.

Fortunately, this weekend helped to reassure me that I’m not really become a hermit. On Saturday, I had the fortune to attend an old friend’s wedding, at which I reconnected with a number of other old friends and had a great time. On Sunday, I attended a barbecue at another friend’s house, and saw more (and different) friends, and even made a few new ones. Despite spending two full days in the company of lots of other people, I barely felt drained at all. My analysis: The company is makes all the difference. Friends aren’t draining, but strangers are. With friends I don’t need to be anything other than myself, because I know they love me already. With new people I am not comfortable just being myself. What if they don’t like me? I know, I know, I should be myself with strangers too. I totally agree, because I believe in being genuine in everything I do. But when I’m with strangers I tend to be me-lite. I hold back a little. I don’t announce all my thoughts and opinions right away. I want people to see the best parts of me before I show them the crazy side.

So, some takeaways from my weekend: No, I’m not a recluse yet, but I do need to work harder at keeping in touch. Honestly, some of the people I saw this weekend, I haven’t seen in years. People I really like. What is wrong with me? Some plans (you knew there were going to be plans, right): Perhaps a big party. I used to throw parties more than once a year, but when I was promoted to manager, there never seemed to be the time. Now that I’m not working, I have the time, but still haven’t made the effort. That’s going to change. I’m also tossing around the idea of small dinner parties; quiet groups of six, maybe with some board or card games afterwards. And finally, simply reaching out more to get together with friends whenever I can.